The Time The Universe Cursed Me And I Had A Date From Hell

By: Shayla Lee

Like any other millennial woman trying to meet people, I have had my fair share of awful dates. Trust me when I say there have been some awful ones. First there was the time I got heatstroke on a hike and almost passed out. Then there was the time a guy told me “teachers should be armed with guns to reduce school shootings” and that “America is the best country in the world, why would someone wanna travel anywhere else?”. These bad experiences have led me to be pretty lazy when it comes to going on dates with randoms.

The shitty situations above were Tinder dates but the story that I’m going to tell you wasn’t a Tinder date. I think that makes it a lot worse. Get ready and buckle up kids because if you’re anything like the other people I’ve told this story to, your jaw is going to be on the ground by the end of this. My best friend and I told my mom and brother this story when we came back drunk at 2:30 in the morning and they both almost fell off of their chairs. I even have a video to prove it.

One of my favourite bands is Milky Chance because a.) I love their music, b.) they remind me of summer, and c.) they’re cool as fuck (just watch a live performance on Youtube, they have the best energy). When I decided to move to Melbourne from Eastern Australia, I immediately got a ticket when I saw they were playing. Although I made lots of friends after I moved, none of them could get work off to go so I ended up going solo which I’m totally fine with. I actually love going to concerts alone, I guess I’m kinda weird.

The day of the concert comes, I go early as usual, and run right to the front when I get in. There was still an hour until Amy Shark went on and I was trying to preserve my iPhone 4 battery. There was a guy standing beside me that was doing the same thing and he ended up striking a conversation and we chatted while we were waiting. He seemed nice enough and we exchanged numbers at the end of the night and made plans to hang out that week.

A few days later we went to a hidden games bar, I kicked his ass in Connect Four, and we made plans to meet up again the following week. We texted back and forth during the days leading up to it bantering about who would win the games the next time we went out.

We decided to go back to the same bar but this time we found a table with Jenga. Not the ordinary Jenga. This was Drunk Jenga. This would normally be fine except we weren’t drunk and this game can be awkward af even if you’re playing with your closest friends, let alone a guy you have only hung out with twice. If you’re unsure about what Drunk Jenga is, it’s normal Jenga but with sayings on them that can range anywhere from “Give a drink to someone” to “Make out with the person beside you”. I ordered two jugs of cider and we started playing. My luck was pretty good with the first ones I pulled and there were no awkward questions that I had to answer.

Then I pulled the “What is your biggest secret?”. He was eager to hear my answer but I honestly had no idea what to tell him because I don’t really have secrets. The people that know me know I am so honest that I have returned 3 cobs of corn to the grocery store because I accidentally didn’t scan them as I went through self-checkout. My answer was something about my family and he said that wasn’t a secret and I told him I didn’t know what to tell him.

I asked him the same question.

This is where the story really begins.

He starts by telling me about the time he went to a gay bar with one of his gay friends. I guess he thought I would judge him because he kept asking me what I thought of him going to said gay bar as if he was seeking my approval. Like any normal, non-judgemental person I asked him if he had fun and if he met any cool people. He explained that one of the guys was really nice and was all over him.

Him: “We ended up making out”

Me: “Oh, nice”

Him: “What do you think?”

Me: “You can make out with whoever you want it has no affect me”

Him: “Yeah but honestly I didn’t feel anything from it or anything but it’s something I wanted to try.”

Me: “That’s cool you tried it then.”

He responds to me but I couldn’t hear what he said. My hearing is shitty on the best of days so adding a loud bar and music did not help my cause.

“What?” I asked.

He repeated himself and I did that awkward laugh thing you do when you feel bad asking them to repeat someone to repeat themselves. He looks at me and waits for a response.

“I’m sorry you’re gonna have to say it one more time, I swear I’m deaf sometimes” I tell him.

He repeats himself again. I STILL COULDN’T HEAR A DAMN THING THE GUY SAID.

I laugh it off and pretend I heard him again. He looks at me blankly and says “what do you think?”

Me: “I’m so sorry I still didn’t hear what you said”

At this point he has realized that yes I am probably deaf so he yells what he has been trying to tell me for the last 5 minutes.

Him:

WE DID ANAL

Me: “Oh, did you really?”

Him:

NAH I’M JUST KIDDING

Was he joking? Is that a weird joke that British people make?

He continued…

Him: “So what do you think of gay people?”

Me: “What do you mean, ‘What do I think of them?’”

Him: “What do you think of them?”

Me: “For as long as I can remember my mom told my brother and I that “it’s okay to be gay. Ellen’s gay.” They are people. Just like you and me.”

Him: “If I’m being honest, I used to really not like them. I was a bit homophobic.”

I sit there stunned. He continues.

Him: “They don’t really bother me. I more so tolerate them now.”

Shellshocked? Yep. So was I. Obviously I never saw or talked to him again. 

I have a few takeaways from this story.

1.) It’s sad to me that someone like him would even feel the need to seek approval from others for going to a gay bar.

2.) How can a person talk about doing anal with another guy and then pull a 180 and say they only tolerate gay people? WTF is wrong with people?

3.) Why do I always experience awkward shit like this?

The absolute best part of this story is that his name is an anagram for anal. You can figure out the rest…